If your appetite and your partner's are out of sync, try this advice on for size.
It’s common for couples at any life stage to have different libidos, but this can be most common in the early years of parenthood, for a whole bunch of reasons. Thankfully, understanding these reasons and knowing what to do about them can make this phase more passing than permanent. Here’s my guide to sorting the situation out.
Know it’s normal
The first step is to accept that what you’re experiencing is normal. Children can create a mismatch in a couple’s sex life, even before they’re born. Though there is genuinely no need to, fathers can feel uncomfortable about hurting the baby at the same time pregnancy hormones may leave mums raring to go. In later pregnancy, a woman may feel uncomfortable while her partner finds her body super-sexy and ripe. Once the baby is born, while there’s a lull for most mums and about half of fathers, men’s sex drives usually return to normal (or they’re keen to make up for lost time!). It’s common for women’s desires to remain reduced for a year or so, though, especially for those mums who are breastfeeding, as hormones and fatigue can affect sex drives, as can stress. If you’re already getting plenty of skin-to-skin contact, are covered in bodily fluids and feeling sleep deprived, its understandable that a tap on the shoulder may be less than desired after dark.
Don’t take it personally
Partners can feel excluded from early bonding between mum and bub and may seek sex to compensate for the often unconscious feelings of being replaced. Additionally, sexuality, for men and women, is closely tied to self-esteem and disinterest can be taken personally. Men can cover up their feelings of rejection by withdrawing emotionally from their partners, which can then make sexual advances feel more unwelcome. It can be a slippery slope. For mothers, it can take time to reconcile our maternal and sexual selves, especially if we're breastfeeding. Sharing thoughts and feelings with other mums can help, as can altering sexual practices with our partners while we're adjusting. Mums can also feel like they exist to meet everyone else’s needs, that they have to give more than they have, and end up feeling used and resentful. This can affect other areas of a relationship, so it’s important to address.
Readjust your thinking
Sex after bub will be different to sex before, but not necessarily worse. Quality becomes more important than quantity and many parents say sex becomes more meaningful as a way of nurturing each other and celebrating the relationship that created the baby in the first place. It's also great stress relief!
Focus on connecting
Learn how to manage the situation so it’s temporary. Sex is all about connection with ourselves and our partner. Mums can carry too much information in their heads and responsibilities on their shoulders, making it hard to relax. Forget the laundry list and focus on your body. Let your partner know you still think he’s hot, and if he can give you a hand with the laundry, you’ll be keener to show him!
More tips
Accept it’s a joint responsibility to make your sex life what you want it to be post-baby. Open the lines of communication to talking about sex. It will be an important topic for the rest of your lives together. Talk about how you’d like your sex life to be. What do you enjoy? What would you like to do differently? Stay connected in other ways: keep talking, be affectionate, share a laugh and spend time together. Your sex life will return more naturally as an extension of other ways of being close.
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