Once we believe in
ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any
experience that reveals the human spirit. – E.E. Cummings
Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on Twitter.
One of the things
that held me back from pursuing my dreams for many years was fear of failure …
and the lack of self-confidence that I needed to overcome that fear.
It’s something we
all face, to some degree, I think. The key question: how do you overcome that
fear?
By working on your
self-confidence and self-esteem. Without really thinking of it in those terms,
that’s what I’ve been doing over the years, and that’s what helped me finally
overcome my fears, and finally pursue my dreams.
I still have those
fears, undoubtedly. But now I know that I can beat them, that I can break
through that wall of fear and come out on the other side. I’ve done it many
times now, and that success will fuel further success.
This post was
inspired by reader Nick from Finland, who asked for an article about self-worth
and self-confidence:
Many of the things
you propose make people feel better about themselves and actually help building
self-confidence. However, I would be interested on reading your input in
general on this topic. Taking time out for your own plans and dreams, doing
things another way than most other people and generally not necessarily
“fitting in” can be quite hard with a low self-confidence.
Truer words have
never been spoken. It’s near impossible to make time for your dreams, to break
free from the traditional mould, and to truly be yourself, if you have low
self-esteem and self-confidence.
As an aside, I
know that some people make a strong distinction between self-esteem and
self-confidence. In this article, I use them interchangeably, even if there is
a subtle but perhaps important difference … the difference being whether you
believe you’re worthy of respect from others (self-esteem) and whether you
believe in yourself (self-confidence). In the end, both amount to the same
thing, and in the end, the actions I mention below give a boost to both
self-esteem and self-confidence.
Photo source: www.drrhondafine.com
If you are low in self-confidence, is it possible to do things that will change that? Is your self-confidence in your control?
While it may not seem so, if you are low in self-confidence, I strongly believe that you can do things to increase your self-confidence. It is not genetic, and you do not have to be reliant on others to increase your self-confidence. And if you believe that you are not very competent, not very smart, not very attractive, etc. … that can be changed.
You can become
someone worthy of respect, and someone who can pursue what he wants despite the
naysaying of others.
You can do this by
taking control of your life, and taking control of your self-confidence. By
taking concrete actions that improve your competence, your self-image, you can
increase that self-confidence, without the help of anyone else.
Below, I outline
25 things that will help you do that. None of them is revolutionary, none of
them will do it all by themselves. The list certainly isn’t comprehensive.
These are just some of my favorite things, stuff that’s worked for me.
And you don’t need
to do all of them, as if this were a recipe … pick and choose those that appeal
to you, maybe just a couple at first, and give them a try. If they work, try
others. If they don’t, try others.
Here they are, in
no particular order:
1. Groom yourself.
This seems like such an obvious one, but it’s amazing how much of a difference
a shower and a shave can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your
self-image. There have been days when I turned my mood around completely with
this one little thing.
2. Dress nicely. A
corollary of the first item above … if you dress nicely, you’ll feel good about
yourself. You’ll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world.
Now, dressing nicely means something different for everyone … it doesn’t
necessarily mean wearing a $500 outfit, but could mean casual clothes that are
nice looking and presentable.
3. Photoshop your
self-image. Our self-image means so much to us, more than we often realize. We
have a mental picture of ourselves, and it determines how confident we are in
ourselves. But this picture isn’t fixed and immutable. You can change it. Use
your mental Photoshopping skills, and work on your self-image. If it’s not a
very good one, change it. Figure out why you see yourself that way, and find a
way to fix it.
Photo source: www.marketcircle.com
4. Think positive.
One of the things I learned when I started running, about two years ago, what
how to replace negative thoughts (see next item) with positive ones. How I can
actually change my thoughts, and by doing so make great things happened. With
this tiny little skill, I was able to train for and run a marathon within a
year. It sounds so trite, so Norman
Vincent Peale, but my goodness this works. Seriously. Try it if you
haven’t.
5. Kill negative
thoughts. Goes hand-in-hand with the above item, but it’s so important that I
made it a separate item. You have to learn to be aware of your self-talk, the
thoughts you have about yourself and what you’re doing. When I was running,
sometimes my mind would start to say, “This is too hard. I want to stop and go watch
TV.” Well, I soon learned to recognize this negative self-talk, and soon I
learned a trick that changed everything in my life: I would imagine that a
negative thought was a bug, and I would vigilantly be on the lookout for these
bugs. When I caught one, I would stomp on it (mentally of course) and squash
it. Kill it dead. Then replace it with a positive one. (“C’mon, I can do this!
Only one mile left!”)
Know yourself and
you will win all battles. – Sun Tzu
6. Get to know
yourself. When going into battle, the wisest general learns to know his enemy
very, very well. You can’t defeat the enemy without knowing him. And when
you’re trying to overcome a negative self-image and replace it with
self-confidence, your enemy is yourself. Get to know yourself well. Start
listening to your thoughts. Start writing a journal about yourself, and about
the thoughts you have about yourself, and analyzing why you have such negative
thoughts. And then think about the good things about yourself, the things you
can do well, the things you like. Start thinking about your limitations, and
whether they’re real limitations or just ones you’ve allowed to be placed
there, artificially. Dig deep within yourself, and you’ll come out (eventually)
with even greater self-confidence.
7. Act positive.
More than just thinking positive, you have to put it into action. Action,
actually, is the key to developing self-confidence. It’s one thing to learn to
think positive, but when you start acting on it, you change yourself, one
action at a time. You are what you do, and so if you change what you do, you
change what you are. Act in a positive way, take action instead of telling
yourself you can’t, be positive. Talk to people in a positive way, put energy
into your actions. You’ll soon start to notice a difference.
8. Be kind and
generous. Oh, so corny. If this is too corny for you, move on. But for the rest
of you, know that being kind to others, and generous with yourself and your
time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. You act in
accordance with the Golden Rule, and you start to feel good about
yourself, and to think that you are a good person. It does wonders for your
self-confidence, believe me.
One important key
to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation. – Arthur
Ashe
9. Get prepared.
It’s hard to be confident in yourself if you don’t think you’ll do well at
something. Beat that feeling by preparing yourself as much as possible. Think
about taking an exam: if you haven’t studied, you won’t have much confidence in
your abilities to do well on the exam. But if you studied your butt off, you’re
prepared, and you’ll be much more confident. Now think of life as your exam,
and prepare yourself.
10. Know your
principles and live them. What are the principles upon which your life is
built? If you don’t know, you will have trouble, because your life will feel
directionless. For myself, I try to live the Golden Rule (and
fail often). This is my key principle, and I try to live my life in accordance
with it. I have others, but they are mostly in some way related to this rule
(the major exception being to “Live my Passion”). Think about your principles …
you might have them but perhaps you haven’t given them much thought. Now think
about whether you actually live these principles, or if you just believe in
them but don’t act on them.
11. Speak slowly.
Such a simple thing, but it can have a big difference in how others perceive
you. A person in authority, with authority, speaks slowly. It shows confidence.
A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because
he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to.
Even if you don’t feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing
it a few times. It will make you feel more confident. Of course, don’t take it
to an extreme, but just don’t sound rushed either.
12. Stand tall. I have horrible posture, so it will sound hypocritical for me to give this advice, but I know it works because I try it often. When I remind myself to stand tall and straight, I feel better about myself. I imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly. As an aside, people who stand tall and confident are more attractive. That’s a good thing any day, in my book.
13. Increase
competence. How do you feel more competent? By becoming more competent. And how
do you do that? By studying and practicing. Just do small bits at a time. If
you want to be a more competent writer, for example, don’t try to tackle the
entire profession of writing all at once. Just begin to write more. Journal,
blog, write short stories, do some freelance writing. The more you write, the
better you’ll be. Set aside 30 minutes a day to write (for example), and the
practice will increase your competence.
14. Set a small
goal and achieve it. People often make the mistake of shooting for the moon,
and then when they fail, they get discouraged. Instead, shoot for something
much more achievable. Set a goal you know you can achieve, and then achieve
it. You’ll feel good about that. Now set another small goal and achieve that.
The more you achieve small goals, the better you’ll be at it, and the better
you’ll feel. Soon you’ll be setting bigger (but still achievable) goals and
achieving those too.
15. Change a small
habit. Not a big one, like quitting smoking. Just a small one, like writing
things down. Or waking up 10 minutes earlier. Or drinking a glass of water when
you wake up. Something small that you know you can do. Do it for a month. When
you’ve accomplished it, you’ll feel like a million bucks.
16. Focus on
solutions. If you are a complainer, or focus on problems, change your focus
now. Focusing on solutions instead of problems is one of the best things you
can do for your confidence and your career. “I’m fat and lazy!” So how can you
solve that? “But I can’t motivate myself!” So how can you solve that? “But I
have no energy!” So what’s the solution?
17. Smile. Another
trite one. But it works. I feel instantly better when I smile, and it helps me
to be kinder to others as well. A little tiny thing that can have a chain
reaction. Not a bad investment of your time and energy.
18. Volunteer.
Related to the “be kind and generous” item above, but more specific. It’s the
holiday season right now … can you find the time to volunteer for a good cause,
to spread some holiday cheer, to make the lives of others better? It’ll be some
of the best time you’ve ever spent, and an amazing side benefit is that you’ll
feel better about yourself, instantly.
19. Be grateful.
I’m a firm believer in gratitude, as anyone who’s been reading this blog for
very long knows well. But I put it here because while being grateful for what
you have in life, for what others have given you, is a very humbling activity …
it can also be a very positive and rewarding activity that will improve your
self-image. Read more.
Photo source: www.webmd.com
20. Exercise.
Gosh, I seem to put this one on almost every list. But if I left it off this
list I would be doing you a disservice. Exercise has been one of my most
empowering activities in the last couple years, and it has made me feel so much
better about myself.All you have to do is take a walk a few times a week, and you’ll see benefits. Start the habit.
21. Empower yourself with knowledge. Empowering yourself, in general, is one of the best strategies for building self-confidence. You can do that in many ways, but one of the surest ways to empower yourself is through knowledge. This is along the same vein as building competence and getting prepared … by becoming more knowledgeable, you’ll be more confident … and you become more knowledgeable by doing research and studying. The Internet is a great tool, of course, but so are the people around you, people who have done what you want, books, magazines, and educational institutions.
22. Do something
you’ve been procrastinating on. What’s on your to-do list that’s been sitting
there? Do it first thing in the morning, and get it out of the way. You’ll feel
great about yourself.
23. Get active.
Doing something is almost always better than not doing anything. Of course,
doing something could lead to mistakes … but mistakes are a part of life. It’s
how we learn. Without mistakes, we’d never get better. So don’t worry about
those. Just do something. Get off your
butt and get active — physically, or active by taking steps to
accomplish something.
24. Work on small
things. Trying to take on a huge project or task can be overwhelming and
daunting and intimidating for anyone, even the best of us. Instead, learn to
break off small chunks and work in bursts. Small little achievements make you
feel good, and they add up to big achievements. Learn to work like this all the
time, and soon you’ll be a self-confident maniac.
25. Clear your
desk. This might seem like a small, simple thing (then again, for some of you
it might not be so small). But it has always worked wonders for me. If my desk
starts to get messy, and the world around me is in chaos, clearing off my desk
is my way of getting a little piece of my life under control. It is the calm in
the center of the storm around me. Here’s how.
Somehow I can’t
believe that there are any heights that can’t be scaled by a man who knows the
secrets of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be
summarized in four C s. They are curiosity, confidence, courage, and constancy,
and the greatest of all is confidence. When you believe in a thing, believe in
it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable. – Walt Disney
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